If you have any clean scuba diving related jokes, do let us know

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Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

 A: A nervous wreck !

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You should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you get lost, your buddy can help you. However, most importantly, if you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are improved to 50-50.

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Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!!!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"

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How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

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Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, a tax inspector, falls in the sea. What do you throw for him to hold onto?

An anvil!

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A diver was carried away by a strong current and was washed up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!"

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Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean.  There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor.  Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

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Came across this in a fitness manual I got this week

This exercise is suggested for people who are going scuba diving, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb.potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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